Franklin Barrelman, lobbyist for the Hard Copy Coalition, stomped out of the office of the Speaker of the House, angry that he can’t get the attention of legislators for an important new law. “The Federal Communications Commission has overstepped their bounds in the supposed 'net neutrality' rulings. They do not have the power to create such regulations, nor should the be able to enforce them.” Barrelman has been the industry's lobbyist for decades, and has been a loyal proponent of the industry initiatives. “We send every Congressperson and their staff calendars, pads, printed napkins, notebooks. We send them letters advising them how direct deposit of their paychecks hurts the economy, especially local printing companies.” Regarding today's meeting with the staff of the Speaker of the House, Barrelman said “We made a perfectly valid suggestion. Rather than net neutrality, let's repeal the Internet, and start with a clean slate rather than this mish-mosh of mamby-pampy spiderweb of contradictory rules and regulations by agencies acting against the wishes of the American people.” He said that the worst development in the Internet was broadband, but that Heart and the Bangles were okay listening sometimes, though his preference was for the 1960s guy bands. “Let's roll back the Internet tubes and start again,” he declared, hoping to get a better hearing from the Senate leadership later today.

Editor’s Note: This news item is part of WhatTheyThink's 2015 April Fools Edition.