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WAKE FOREST, NC - The paper industry’s trade association shocked the political world today by announcing its candidacy for President of the United States.
“The people have spoken,” said Dianne Bush, spokesperson for the American Forest and Paper Association. “They want a President who either has multiple bankruptcies or has major problems with emails. Why do they have to choose? We offer both!”
“You can count on one tiny hand the number of times Donald Trump’s businesses have gone into bankruptcy protection,” she added. “Four bankruptcies in an entire lifetime? Heck, our industry has done that in one year.”
“And we know all about email troubles. Look at all the mills we’ve had to shut down because people stopped sending letters and memos.”
“Oh, and you can tell Mrs. Clinton that we make 30 different types of wipes she can use to clean her server.”
The AF&PA revealed its slogan -- “A New Chapter for America – Chapter 11” – but quickly withdrew it when the Trump campaign complained of copyright infringement.
The association chose to hold its press conference near Wake Forest because how better to honor "dead trees" than in a place that's having a wake for a forest? Unfortunately, this forest turned out to be a working forest, so the buzzing of chainsaws chopped up Ms. Bush's soundbites and hindered the Q&A session.
“What party will you be affiliated with?” a reporter asked Ms. Tree at an AF&PA press conference.
“Have you ever been around paper salesmen?” she answered. “We have hundreds of them. Trust me, if there’s a party, we’ll find it.”
“Your platform is a big mystery,” another reporter shouted.
“That’s Ms. Tree, not Miss Tree. And there’s nothing wrong with my platform.” But Ms. Tree did end up sharing some of the AF&PA’s positions:
“Too much paper immigration? We have experience with that – hit ‘em with anti-dumping charges and countervailing duties.”
“You wanna sock it to Wall Street? We do that all the time. They keep plunking down millions of dollars for our companies’ bonds, and we keep leaving them holding a bag full of IOUs and worthless equity. Those suckers never learn that the best way to make a small fortune in the paper business is to start with a large fortune. The bonds were not worth the paper they were printed on, so they were issued in digital format. Wait ‘til you see how we get them to pay off the federal debt.”
“Cybersecurity? Nobody ever hacked a typewritten letter or put malware into a printed report,” Ms. Tree noted. “Cookies? Nope, except the crumbs your kid spilled on his copy of Captain Underpants.”
“Come on,” responded an incredulous reporter. “Do you really expect Americans to turn back the clock to the era of the dead tree?”
"I'm not dead, I'm Dianne," said Ms. Tree.
The content of backroom discussions about the new candidate's theme have been circulating from unnamed sources. The leading candidate for a while was “None of us is as dumb as all of us” was an early contender, until they figured out what it meant. “That came out after the second party was over... now we're looking for that third party so we can keep brainstorming.” Last word was that they'd be taking tax credits for serving a special 2010 vintage of “black liquor.” “Trump can have his steaks,” the source said, “but we know what to drink with it.”
Below: April Fools! This isn't a real press release. It's a joke. It's also a WhatTheyThink tradition and we're glad to bring it to you each year. A little levity to help you enjoy your day. Cheers!