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USA Postal Commission Has New Strategy to Boost Revenues: Free Postage for Senders but Charges for Recipients

Friday, April 01, 2016

Press release from the issuing company

Editor's Note: Please see below for an important note about this press release.  

The newly appointed Postal Operations General, Y. B. Kraiszy announced at a memorable Senate hearing last week that “the old postal model is obsolete: postage should be free, delivery should not be.” Postal Rate Board insiders said that they were pleased to have such an innovative proposal after all these years. Delivery fees will vary based on cost. “We have identified 37 different types of mail that will have a specific prices to make the service better reflect our needs. We ask that customers be sure to have exact change available to pay for their deliveries. We will have a rate chart that they can keep by their front door that is highly readable and convenient.”

Customers will also have the option of buying lifetime service. “Just like the Forever Stamp was such a great idea, the Lifetime Service Delivery (LSD) program is another. You can pay one fixed fee (adjusted for inflation and pension costs), or add its value to your student loans, mortgage, or credit card minimum payment.” The Board member, under anonymity, said that “just like people used to give savings bonds when they welcomed a new baby into a family, we fully expect that these prepaid LSD certificates will be a big hit. For that reason, we'll have an important announcement about our promotional activities with baby wipe manufacturers. We were looking for a relationship with diaper manufacturers but the EPA could not help us in choosing whether to align with paper or cloth diaper manufacturers. 

In other news, the USAPC said that they would have renewed focus on their package business which has high margins. “We've cut deals with companies like Amazon and others to give them low prices and force small businesses who are scattered around our neighborhoods shoulder the cost of servicing them. If they were good businesspeople, they'd be big businesses that have the business level we need.”

In a related move, the USAPC extended the time for delivery of premium-priced overnight and two-day service. “Overnight is now defined as three days because we hold it over one night to figure out which route it should take that benefits us.” Two-day delivery is now a weekly service with deliveries between 2am and 4am on Mondays. “Traffic is better and we can deliver more packages. And we know it's more likely to catch people at home at these times. It's a great feeling to start the week with a package that someone considered urgent sometime the week before.”

Below:  April Fools!  This isn't a real press release.  It's a joke.  It's also a WhatTheyThink tradition and we're glad to bring it to you each year.  A little levity to help you enjoy your day.  Cheers!


 

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