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Your Paper May Be Spying On You

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Press release from the issuing company

Documents obtained by WhatTheyDON’TThink have uncovered a top-secret venture planned by the National Security Agency (NSA) and top U.S. paper companies to develop a new type of electronic paper that can collect data on its users and send it back to NSA databases. Virtually indistinguishable from everyday paper, each sheet is actually embedded with tiny sensors that can do everything from scan the fingerprints of the person reading it, to track their location, and even identify what finger foods he or she may have been eating within 12 hours prior to picking up the paper. 

“We deny any and all knowledge of this really really cool surveillance technology,” said Herman E. Berlin, spokesman for the NSA. 

One paper industry executive—who spoke to us on condition of anonymity—said that the prototype “SpyPaper” has actually been in use for at least three months. “Oh, yes, it’s true, every last bit of it,” said our anonymous source, whose name is really Peter Pulp, VP of Product Development for Interstate Paper, because no one likes a snitch.

So far it has been used for books, magazines, and newspapers. “Knowing who is reading what, where they go, and whether they’ve eaten Jax or chicken wings recently is of great value to our nation and helps keep us all safe,” said Pulp. “The only drawback to the paper is we can’t get production inkjet presses to print on it effectively.”

Now that the cover is blown, intelligence experts say that the NSA will likely change their entire policy toward domestic surveillance, and citizens can opt out of being spied upon by watching a 15-second ad.

Editor’s Note: This news item is part of WhatTheyThink's 2015 April Fools Edition.


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